Do not desire too much of a good thing

               

Back from Helsinki. And even now I still feel that talking about what happened there is beyond my capabilities. Beyond belief, actually, would fit best to the extraordinary performance delivered last night through the Halo Manash entity.
In spite of the high quality of the two others sets, Arktau Eos - whose first part did not exactly win me over, compared to the second relying less on backing tapes - and Zoät.Aon - excellent intense electronics act, a feeling of luminous forest and synthetic birds, whose loudness at times delighted my nervous system missing so much true noise gigs - I must say that the third and so eagerly expected set blew me away with no possibility to escape. I sometimes feel like some fool, preaching in a desert about this project which stands definitely a whole cut above all else I know, what so fucking few people seem to realise ; this last performance only reinforces me in this opinion, I'll keep on preaching alone then. I was... I was left out of any strength or will. Barely could move, with my pint slowly warming up in my hands - as if there was no longer need to drink, and this from the very beginning of those hypnotising loops. Caught and stuck in them, in the offbeat of the drum, in the rocking of the bodies, the eyes wide open fighting against the smoke of the incense sticks that were burning massively in the foreground, early enough, from the Arktau Eos set onwards. Horns brought out again. I barely recall more. I succeeded to catch one of the bands of white drape adorned with runes, sent in my direction, maybe in reference to the tibetan blessing scarves - what do I know... The music stopped and Aki escaped straight through the front audience, assumedly still in a trance state. I can hardly imagine being subjected to the overwhelming pressure of such a performance, especially coming down to earth that hard. Even now I still fear them a bit. They were both as out of themselves. The deep sparkling of intelligence in Antti's eyes, talking warmly to us however, some time after the show, leaves me the same impression... Know too much, seen too much...
We sat some time after that, Katerina and me, without saying a word - words were missing out. I can't describe. Maybe the nearest impression would be the one that you get once out of a sauna : some kind of intense inner purification, even if the word is not the best. It was like seeing things clearer and sharper. Left as empty as full and at peace while still strongly moved. What else can I tell...

In the time of a heartbeat we had to leave, after having, in an incredibly frustrating manner, exchanged two sentences with each of the few people we could have talked to. The conditions weren't obviously best, as I feared, everybody so busy packing stuff or getting back home. The conditions of our own way back would perhaps better be the topic of another entry, as I was gloomily returning mumbles to each of Katerina's sentences all along the way ; such a hasty exit and for a much longer time than last gathering overwhelmed me. The mere fact of learning by Antti that a third venue during the French-Belgian tour would be arranged in my, let's say, home city, or the closest thing of a place I could call home in Western Europe, pretty far from the idea if compared to my current real home, slightly smoothed over my mood. But the compulsion to lock myself in a confined room and hit the walls till it exhausts the feeling was still strong... Actually, I already felt stifled in this hostile far suburb of Helsinki, watching the day sluggishly dying, only the possibility of working that out was missing. Coming back home and spending that night alone made out for my mood a bit more, anyway. And writing out. Seeking refuge, a secure, and untouchable one, in this not yet familiar language. But still the languor is pregnant.